It’s 5:19 a.m. on Tuesday morning, and I haven’t gone to bed yet. What a surprise. I’ve spent all night working on my fanlisting for Kal Penn (of Harold & Kumar fame). I’ve been rediscovering my love of fanlistings. I’ve also been approved for John Ritter and Charlie Sheen, but I still have to build those ones. I think I have somewhere between 5-10 applications I’m waiting to hear on.

Speaking of applications, Jackie came and dropped them off today (yesterday, whatever). I paid the application fee and I went ahead and filled out mine. I should know tomorrow. I’m really nervous, because if we don’t get this apartment, we are in a world of hurt. But, I will figure it out, because I always do.

In other news, my mom’s car is finally fixed, which means that (hopefully), I’ll actually get to start spending some time with her again. She drives me batty sometimes, but she’s my mommy, and I’ve missed her the last couple of weeks.

My sister (Cassandra, the 20 year old one) is upstairs asleep in my bed right now. She wanted to come spend the night to “hang out”, but secretly, I think she just didn’t have any food at her house and didn’t want to admit she’s that poor right now, lol. Food is one thing I do have, at least for the time being, so I don’t mind sharing.

I’ve been smoking a lot less lately. I used to smoke a pack a day. I bought two packs on Friday afternoon. This is Tuesday morning and I still have about 5 left from the second pack (whereas, normally, they’d have been gone by Sunday afternoon at the latest).

This is just random bullshit, so I’m going to go have a smoke and go to sleep (after I harass Allen and piss him off, but hey, he needs to be reminded to fill out HIS application for the place, lol).

So, new layout. I decided to use a pre-made theme because I just can’t seem to get the coding of Wordpress for myself. I need to find some tutorials and learn how to code in PHP more efficiently.

There really isn’t much going on lately. I’ve been watching a lot of movies. I haven’t been working on promoting my modeling site like I should be. We’re broke. We haven’t paid the rent yet and it was due on the 17th. We are going to look at an apartment today that is right next door to my friend Amanda’s. I really hope we get it because it’s over 100 dollars cheaper a month, which may not seem like that big of a deal, but when money is as tight as it is right now, that extra 100 dollars can contribute to groceries, which we probably wouldn’t be able to buy otherwise.

I had all kinds of things planned to write, but the neighbors have been in and out of their house fighting and screaming for the last two hours. I lived the first few years of my life in an extremely abusive home, and hearing this kind of thing makes me want to curl up in the fetal position and hide. I haven’t called the cops because they haven’t seemed to resort to (much) physical violence, and they see I’m the only one up (lights are on, windows open because it’s hot), so I don’t want them to “retaliate” in any way.

Of course, a few minutes later, as I was typing this, I listened more, and I don’t think they’re fighting. I think one person is pissed and the one screaming and crying had really bad acid. Unfortunately, I’m not joking.

Oh yes, and my hair is now red and black.

It’s almost 6:00 a.m., and I have to be up by 11:00 a.m., so I better stfu and gtfo.

I feel so lost. Part of it is lack of money. Part of it is feeling like my relationship is one sided sometimes. It’s not having a child, not having a car, and not going to school. But, then I started thinking about it, and I’ve had all of these issues, on and off throughout the last seven years of my life, so why am I so incredibly depressed about it now?

I thought on this for awhile, and I realized a trend. I’ve noticed myself latching onto anything California (specifically, Los Angeles). I hunt down livejournal friends, their communities, and people on other networking sites and throughout the web to be friends with. Yes, I do this because they are also genuinely interesting people, but I also do it because I want to live vicariously through them and their pictures. I’m always a little disappointed if they don’t have something I recognize in their pictures, and beyond elated when I do recognize something.

It goes beyond this though. When I know a movie I’m watching was filmed in Los Angeles, I am so busy scanning the background for places I know and recognize, that I don’t even remember the actual movie half the time. It’s the same with television shows. I look for books based in Los Angeles. I look up the websites. I check in on the bands I used to work with and the people I used to know, even though half of them hate me now, due to the shit that went down with my ex (I met them all through him, that’s where their loyalties lay, I can deal with that).

I guess what I’m getting at is that I miss Los Angeles (specifically Hollywood, North Hollywood, and Santa Monica) so bad that it literally physically aches. Do you know how your heart feels tight when you’ve had a fight with your significant other, or when you’ve just seen something upsetting? My heart feels like that everytime I think about Los Angeles and the fact that in all reality, I won’t be able to get back there for a very long time, if ever.

I don’t belong in Ohio for so many reasons. I don’t fit in here. I don’t like the country, the suburbs, small cities, the lack of transportation (people in Los Angeles think Metro is so bad out there? They should try COTA in Columbus.), the cold weather, the insane amounts of rain, the fact that I can’t walk out my door and find something fun going on. I’m just not happy here.

I don’t regret coming back to Ohio last summer. I hadn’t seen my family in a year and a half, my grandmother was dying (she passed on August 16th, six weeks after I moved back), I missed the first few years of Kadin’s life, I missed my mom, I missed what few friends I had out here (though, oddly enough, only one of those friends still talks to me almost a year after I moved back), but I just don’t belong here long-term.

But, this comes to the big point. What do I do now? Do I wait it out, wait until I can (finally) afford school out here, go out here, hope I can find a job out there? Where does that leave Allen and I? He won’t ever come with me (he doesn’t want to “shake and bake”, and besides, I couldn’t ask him to move even further away from his kids). Where does that leave my family? I’d rarely get to see them. Cassandra doesn’t have time to travel due to work, and my mom, I just don’t think she would be able to make it out there, to be honest (I’m very worried about her health). I know in my heart I need to get back out there. But when? And how?

When I woke up on September 12th, 2005 and told my then boyfriend “Okay, I’ll move out there. Just give me until Friday”, people thought I was nuts. Hell, even I thought I was a little crazy for that one. Leaving on that Greyhound at 4:30 a.m. on a Saturday morning with three mind erasers (great drink, btw) in my system to ease my fears was the absolute biggest risk I’ve ever taken. I hadn’t met my ex in person before, we were going to be staying with his then ex girlfriend, and it was definitely no fairytale at all.

When I got out there, we were promptly kicked out of said ex’s place (she just couldn’t handle seeing him with someone new afterall). I slept on a park bench a couple of nights. I got dressed and washed off at the sink in Ralph’s bathrooms for a few weeks. I slept in my ex’s friend’s car a few nights. I laid in the park all day and I read books. I used the internet at the library and I walked everywhere, and I want to Santa Monica and dug my toes in the sand. We lived in a one bedroom flophouse with a meth-addicted schizophrenic and all her druggie friend (and yes, I partook of said meth, but that is not a reason I want to go back, haha). We lived in shitty hotels and we went to punk shows and drank to much and I learned of my love for Vanilla Djarims. I didn’t know how I was going to eat, where I was going to be from one week to the next, or what I was going to do….and it was the most exhilerating experience of my life. I just want that feeling back. I just want to feel alive again.

I’ve been trying to get PHPFan to work for two days. It worked fine on my old domain, but this time if it isn’t one little thing, it’s another, and I just can’t get it to work. So, I decided to try Enthusiast. Fine on that, except I’m PHP-Retarded, and I can’t figure out how to customize my page (so, you know, it’s not ugly) without a general template to follow, which I can’t seem to find in all the files. I’m about to try PHPFan for the sixth or seventh time, and if that doesn’t work, I’m going to assume I’m not meant to join fanlistings. I’m just too lazy to set up a page and hand code. I want something easy. I don’t suppose anybody knows of any other scripts to use? I seriously miss Flinx and if I had all the files to it, still, I would use it just because I’m so highly frustrated, ugh.

Today was Allen’s birthday. We didn’t do much. We were going to at least get Subway, but we’re poorer than we realized, so we couldn’t. I’ve been on the verge of tears all day because of finances. We are seriously in danger of losing everything, I have no transportation to get to a job, and I just really don’t know what we’re going to do. I’ve been promoting the modeling like crazy, but it’s not bringing in much. Panel Research is only bringing in like three bucks a week right now (big deal, right?), and since my blog is new, I’m not eligible to do paid blogging (speaking of which, what does it mean when one of the reasons you’re rejected is due to “not enough indexed pages” on Google? How do I get more pages indexed?).

I’m really looking forward to a day of peace and quiet tomorrow. Kadin will be with his mom until at least the evening, if not Wednesday morning, and Allen will be at work from 1230PM-1100PM, so I’ll have all day to do what I want, which probably should be more modeling promotion, since I didn’t do any today.

The breeze is so nice outside. I want to go outside and sit on a lawn chair or something, but we don’t have any, and even if we did, neighbor kids would probably mess them up before I got much use out of them. The tree in the picture (though no longer in bloom) is so gorgeous in the daytime. It hangs at just this perfect angle to create this little “roof” of shade. I’d love to put a bench underneath of it, but between the kids, and the spiders that (unfortunately) infest this tree (and, in turn, my apartment), it’s not a plausible idea.

Since I know that I’ll check my main page tomorrow, this is a note to myself to call Amanda’s leasing agent tomorrow and see if they have openings in their complex (the inside of the apartments are very similiar and hers is over 100 dollars cheaper a month, which would so help out).

I guess I”m going to fiddle around for a little while longer. I should probably go to bed soon since it’s 5:00 in the morning.

I have been a hot mess tonight. I don’t know if it’s PMS or what, but every little thing has made me either pissed off or on the verge of tears.

On a nice note, Kadin went to stay with his dad for a couple of days, so I have a two day break. I’m planning on spending tomorrow trying to promote my modeling site. I really need to start bringing some money in. Money has been really tight the last few weeks, and it’s going to be even tighter over the next couple of weeks. Hopefully, things will even out soon, because I’m about to lose my mind. Being a grown-up sure is lame sometimes, lol.

I spent like three hours trying to install PHPFan earlier. The actual script was fine. The add-on to list joined listings went well, too. But when it came time to integrate it into my wordpress, it just wouldn’t work. I did it roughly 7,000 times (I’m actually worried that this may not be an exaggeration, haha), and it just didn’t want to work. It worked fine on my other domain, so I can’t figure it out. I’m going to try again tomorrow, after I’ve had some sleep. It’s probably something small and simple that I’m missing (afterall, isn’t that usually how it is?).

Today is Allen’s birthday. He’s the big three-nine. We won’t be doing anything for it, since we’re broke, so I’m just going to pretty much wait on him hand and foot when we wake up and maybe give him some good birthday lovin’ (I’m always up for it, but his libido isn’t nearly as high as mine, so we’ll see).

I came across a post in the Columbus, Ohio Livejournal Community that brought up the fact that there is going to be a bill to try to rid Ohio of Pit Bulls. The bottom line of the bill is that, if passed, owners will have 90 days to surrender their Pit Bulls. After that 90 days, the proper authorities have authorization to come to the home and remove the dogs, where they will be taken to shelters and euthanized within 10 days. Below is the comment I left in the community on the subject.

If this bill passes, I will have officially lost my faith in the majority of the human race. Dogs are not born “bad dogs”, they are raised that way. There should be some kind of compromise about harder laws to buy/breed Pit Bulls, about classes you have to take or something to own them, but you shouldn’t kill a whole breed of dog due to how HUMANS have made them.

And if any of you are planning to say this bill is good and okay? Think of it this way. First it’s the Pit Bulls. Then it’s Rottweilers (which would make me lose my dog, who has never even so much as growled at somebody). After that, it’s Dobermans, St. Bernards, and German Shepherds. Eventually, someone’s weenie dog will bite a child in a sensitive spot and badly injure them. And do you know what will happen then? The government will take away everyone’s “hot dogs” stating they are “ZOMGZ VICIOUZ!!!”.

I’m sure someone is going to say “That is completely ridiculous, they will never go that far”. But there are plenty of things we see the government controlling now, or trying hard to control, when we “never thought it would get that far”.

If you are from Ohio and disagree with this bill, there is a petition here.

Also, I’ve just entered this contest over at Digg It Live.

This is just a test post to see if the Livejouranl Crossposter Plugin is working on my domain. If you’re on LJ, and you’re reading this, it’s working!

Yep, so I decided to buy a reseller account and get more than one domain. I bought AeroLove for 1.99 on Yahoo. I think I’m in love with it. I just need to add some plug-ins (probably later today or tonight) so that my sidebar doesn’t look so empty.

I’ve been working on this domain seriously all night (I’m estimating it’s been around 9 hours). It’s now 7:05 a.m., I’m freaking exhausted, and Kadin (my nephew, who has been pretty much living with me lately due to my sister’s work schedule) will be up in anywhere from 2-4 hours. Zomg. Yeah.

It’s going to be sunny and warm today. I was supposed to go to a cookout, but since I have no ride now (damn lack of a car), I’m not going (which is highly disappointing). I’ll probably spend most of the day watching movies with Kadin and playing outside with him and his squirt guns.

I really have nothing else productive to say for now, buuuuuuuut - what are some of your favorite plug-ins for Wordpress, or just scripts in general? I’m specifically looking for comment/entry plug-ins, an ask me script, and whatever else is randomly fun and spiffy.